I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
My breath smells like gin and sadness
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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