I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
