Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
