She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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