Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
