no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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