My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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