Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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