Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
