The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
