rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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