Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
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