When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You may now shotgun with the bride
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
