Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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