respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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