I'm gonna have a badass scar
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
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