I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
