She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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