I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
