my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
