don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
