i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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