I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
