May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
