I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
