I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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