I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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