I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
