Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
