Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
