So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
