we're chasing vodka with high fives
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
