dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You need Xanax blowdarts
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
