The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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