Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
