oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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