I'm gonna have a badass scar
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
