Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I need to calm my uterus...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
