So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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