I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
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