Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
