I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
did i walk over a car last night?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Randomize
