why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I enjoy the company of your penis
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