she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Randomize
