I haven't been this sober since birth.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Randomize
