First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
