capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
