It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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