hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
