The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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