You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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