I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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