My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
