I'm drive I can fine osifer
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
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