cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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