you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
