she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
