Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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