Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
